The folks at DGM keep sending them in:
A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?"
"Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string."
One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today’s lesson?" "Dad, I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to my lesson; I had a gig!”
A singer-songwriter is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must a rcord company exectutive" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be a singer-songwriter."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."
Four men are talking at a MENSA convention talking about their respective IQs.
"I’ve got an IQ of 172 and I am accountant," begins the first man.
"Well I’ve got an IQ of 180, and I’ve studied my PHD in astrophysics and specialise in quantum mechanics," brags the second man.
"So…I’ve got an IQ of 210 and I am a respected brain surgeon," says the third man.
They all turn to the fourth man who shrugs.
"My IQ is 60," he says completely non-plussed by the bragging of his peers.
The first man turns to him and asks: "So what drum sticks do you use then?"
So a businessman arrives on the African continent on important business and gets a cab from the airport to the hotel. As they drive through the bustling streets, the business is aware of a throbbing, pulsing drum rhythm seeping into his consciousness. He asks the cab driver about the drumming: "What is that sound?" he asks. "No boss," replies the cabbie, recoiling in visible fear, "Don’t talk about the drumming…" The businessman is perplexed but remains quiet. He arrives at the hotel and checks in. Even inside the building, the sound of drums is palpable and now getting louder. He asks the concierge about the drums. "No sir," replies the concierge, again looking worried, "The drums, don’t talk about the drums. Bad news if the drumming stops, boss." "But it is getting a little annoying now," the businessman says, "When is it going to stop?" "Stop? Stop?" replies the concierge, now quaking in fear, "May the drums never stop. Bad news." The business is now intrigued by these circumstances and strikes up a conversation with the bellboy who carries his cases to his room. "So tell me about the drums," says the man, "Why is it a problem if they end?" The bellboy again is scared but his mother always told him to tell the truth and be honest with people. He turns to the businessman and explains: "It is bad when the drums stop. Very bad, sir. Bass solo!"
Free to download - Stories My Killer Told Me: Five surreal story-songs from my Edinburgh Fringe show.
- I Am Not The One For You
- The Ever Open Door
- New Eyes
- A Forest Trail in Autumn
- The Portobello Slam
Just let me send you an occasional email!