I write this from my desk in my room. This week I’d planned to be in Wales on retreat with the Western Chan Fellowship. Last week a family difficulty prompted me to make the decision not to go. I’ve regretted it, justified it, reexamined it and sulked a little about it ever since, but a decision, once made, stands and it was made with the best intention and the best information currently available. We begin from where we are and proceed.
Having kept two days off from work instead of the whole week, I spent most of today rushing around dealing with ‘stuff’ pertaining to the refurbishment of my mother’s former home, now a rental property. This has drained my time and Madame’s since October, every weekend and many evenings, plus almost two weeks of her holiday time. The mere mention of it brings a sigh of ‘Oh no, what now?’ from both of us. The ordeal is nearly, but not, over.
Why mention all this? Because at around 1pm, driving to my friend Dave’s house for lunch, the gloom that’s lain on me for the last month or so lifted, inexplicably and fairly suddenly. All I can remember is noticing the beauty of the snow in the trees. It stayed lifted through my conversations with Dave and, walking in Queensferry later in the day, I still felt light and somehow free. Not happy as such, but free of unhappiness, content if you like.
Maybe ‘retreat mind’ had been in preparation for this week and chose today to break through. If so, I’m grateful. This is not where I’d expected to be.