Give It a Wide Birth!

A few tips for infanticipating women by Dr Sandra Segget of Gargunnock Royal Infirmary Trust Plc.
Dedicated to all children and the fathers that bore them [to tears].

Babies and the Law
Babies are considered by the law to be in utero until born, when they are in loco parentis, the parents’ home.
Babies, position of
Most babies in the past were carried in the foetal position, named after Friends of the Earth.  Thanks to Ferdinand Leboyer more choice is given nowadays with regard to position, and special birthing chairs are available to be strapped into the back seats of cars.
Contractions
The period of pregnancy can be shortened by one or more contractions, subject to prior arrangement with the midwife.
Crowning
Act of giving birth to Royal baby.
Emergency
First appearance or emergence of baby.
Episiotomy
The shaving of pubic hair prior to birth.  This is rarely considered necessary nowadays as most babies do not develop this hair until later in life.
Fallopian Tubes
Tubes leading directly to mother’s lungs from womb enabling baby to breathe.  Named after their inventor Philip Tube, and launched in 1924 with the slogan "Tubes help you breathe more easily!".
Father
May or may not be present at birth.  Most hospitals have equipment to detect this.
Gestation period
Name given to the last menstrual  period before the onset of maternity leave.  If this period fails to arrive the mother knows maternity leave has begun.
Leboyer
French apparatus to assist at birth of male babies (les boys in French).
Midwife
Womb of married woman.
Prenatal Care
Services offered to women prior to the Sixties, when natal care was discovered.
Scan
By skilful use of the placenta or bellybutton the baby can ‘scan’ or see the outside world.  For the last few weeks of maternity leave the baby drinks amniotic fluid prepared by the mother and passes wind through the placenta.

    © Norman Lamont 1997

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